Kalvanji Knights

May 3, 2020

Brother Abdullah sends updates

Letter from Brother Abdullah:

Ya Akhi Al-Noon,

I hope you are in good health. May Allah SWT make your platelets strong and your plate of Nihari bounteous. It’s a difficult time for believers, as the holiest shrine for pilgrims, Lahore Karahi in Southall, is closed. May Allah SWT make the Ramadan auspicious for you and home delivery easier. May Allah rid us of the curse of Corona and of ECL.

It has been a bit hectic on this end, with plane loads of new residents arriving, every day. Luckily for us, most of the new arrivals have ended up in our less fortunate neighbourhood, as they were outside the pale. We have been able to flatten the curve. But our curvaceous residents have their diaries full, and the faithful are having to do with less than seventy-two per head.

As you can guess, this has caused great unrest and the Higher Authorities have been made aware. There was an emergency meeting of COC, headed by Yours Truly. Brother Grim Reaper was hauled over coals for his flawed modelling. He was told that there will be a forensic audit and the report will be published. He has promised to work with his able assistants, Maulana High Myopia and Maulana Crocodile Tears who have now agreed to offer Traweeh at home.

In the meanwhile, for our more pious residents, Gen Afzal has sourced emergency supplies of PPE from China, including quantities of henna, dentures, chloroquine, kalvanji, inflatable dolls, and Viagra. A C-130 has also arrived from Cairo, with a shipment of fatwas.

Maulana Gamma D joined the debate from Dallas. As you know, he was chased out of Puristan via Kuala Lumpur due to his views which border on heresy and for speaking his mind which borders on lunacy. Although he is currently on the same page, he did once try to block the highway to heaven.

He played a part in shutting down the Waziristan Textile Mills which was the biggest exporter of martyrdom jackets in the world. He has been told that we are watching him closely and will have a one to one meeting, once Covid and FATF come to an end. At that point, we shall give a Textile Relief Package, for martyrdom textiles to Brother Brother and for gunny sacks to Brother Quaid, in Edgware Borough, Inshallah.

There was a flurry of excitement among our translucent residents when they heard that Brother BoJo was on the way. The sales of leather collars, thongs and canes outstripped the sales of hydorxycholroquin. However, it turned out be fake news. Brother BoJo is back to his COBRA meetings, and the snake in the grass, the Irate Republic of the Gulf remains defiant as ever.

Our bhabi is not happy with the tirade of Maulana Croc T on the telethon. We think she has been turned by the likes of Asma Jahangir. Did she show any signs of shirk before she left Park Lane? Please let us know. We may have to re-house her for purposes of re-education.

Your True Brother,

ABA Aziz (Late)

Guardian of Saroor Palace

Former Guardian of the Two Harems

Follow @hakimhazik on Twitter

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