The unbearable lightness of being dead

June 14, 2020

Being alive is a great risk. You have wantonly and irresponsibly chosen to take this risk

Oye Pakistanio,

The time has come to take precautions. Being alive is a great risk. You have wantonly and irresponsibly chosen to take this risk. You have been thinking of your own nasty, brutish and short lives. Do you think you deserve to live in the Naya Pakistan?

Corona is a flu. Ninety-eight percent of the patients recover. Sometimes, with the collusion of ashrafia, it is not a flu. We must fight collusion. We must not let it destroy our economy. If the economy is destroyed, the IMF will be very cross. The state institutions will drop the fig leaf, (with SOPs). The narrative will be destroyed (without SOPs). We will lose Kashmir.

There is enough space in the hospitals for all of us to die with grace and dignity. As the economic activity picks up, we are creating even more space. The epidemic will peak in July or August. We have plenty of time to practice at our hands. The HEC will be opening online classes to raise awareness and expertise in the art of dying. We cannot let our education system collapse. We are a free country. We must die reading traveeh, playing cricket in the Expo Centre and doing Eid shopping

I had a dream last night. Hazrat Ertughral, Hazrat Allama Iqbal and Hazrat Javed Miandad were in the dream. They came to me flying on the magic carpet from Qustuntuntunia, carried by my resident djinn, Abu Bin BaniAl-Gala. They told me to declare a war on the infidels, including, Germany and Japan before they stop sharing borders. After testing negative on nasal swab, they spoke to me thus:

Hazrat Ertughral:


“The time has come to implement a smart lockdown. As the valiant Cathay warriors push down from Aksai Chin, you must collaborate with the Osmanli to stake your claim in the land of the infidels, Sind on Sea. You must light the candle of Islam in the flood plains. You must confiscate all the PPE that they have looted from the NFC and return them to their rightful owners; stake holders in the state institutions without whom you would be like Syria.”

Hazrat Allama Iqbal:

“It is better to live for one day as a Corona Tiger than to live for a hundred years with no Corona. An army of Corona Tigers led by a cat, is better than a jackass.”

Hazrat Javed Miandad:

“Why is Afridi getting all the pictures? I have more runs, no? Shall I complain to Daud Bhai; hain?”

After this, I immediately called an emergency meeting of the National COCK-AP (The Command and Control Centre in Kashmir and Pakistan). We discussed the false flag operation by Husain Haqqani who is using fake poetry to undermine our position in the world and our self-esteem as a nation. We have launched an app which will tell us the bedding state across the Federation, especially of Ms Ritchie.

Pakistan Paindabad.

Follow @hakimhazikon Twitter.

The unbearable lightness of being dead